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January 26, 2009

January 26, 2009 - More About Our Fancy Taxis

Some more picks from our elite Silver Shuttle sedans.

Door handle, or lack thereof.  Another hex bolt, but this one came with a big washer.

Wood screws.

 What do I even have to say here...

Here is seems that all that is holding the door panel on is a giant hex bolt.  Why would you use two washers?

January 24, 2009

January 24, 2009 – The Tossed Salad

            As I look over at Ralph he looks like he is laughing so hard that he is going to pee his pants – which would explain the stains on the seats of most of the taxis.  Most of those are probably from Jorge though from when he eats his Chicken wings, just before he throws the bones under the seat that is.  Catherine’s not too happy with Jorge right now.  In one of his all too familiar ill thought out schemes, he was caught by the owner after he arranged to pick up one of his passengers outside of our zone.  We are only allowed to pick up rides that originate on Cortez Island.

            Jorge dropped off a passenger of his in National City earlier in the day and had arranged to pick him up – as we all do.  Well, for whatever reason Jorge’s passenger (Jimmy) called him and after Jorge didn’t show up in a timely manner, Jimmy decided to call and find out where exactly Jorge was.  Problem was that he didn’t call Jorge back, he called the office.  And who answered the phone you might ask?  
Well Catherine of course.  As a punishment Jorge has been washing the car several times a week.  Jimmy probably called Jorge first and couldn’t understand a word that he said with Jorge’s terrible English.  Although I’m probably being too tough on Jorge, I’m sure that it takes most people a decade to speak passable English.

            Anyways, back to Ralph.  Ralph had come upon some new slang today.  Apparently Ralph had never heard of a tossed salad.  What is a tossed salad?  Oh, let me tell you.  It’s when you wedge your face in someone else’s asscrack and have lunch and tongue their butthole.  Not my cup of tea.  Ralph though it was hilarious. 

            For whatever reason Ralph is perhaps better known as “The Undertaker.”  I’m not quite sure where this name came about but from what my passengers have told me, the ones who coined the phrase, it has to do with the fact that Ralph works the graveyard shift and dresses up in a suit and tie.  Truthfully I don’t see the connection.  Actually, he looks much more like Steven Seagal.  One day I'll get a picture of Ralph so I can do a side by side - it's uncanny...

While I was looking online for picture of Steven Seagal I found this picture below.  The guitar surprised me, Seagal always struck me as a clarinet type of guy.

January 23, 2009

January 23, 2009 - The "Silver Sedan"

         Today I was given a real treat.

         Today I was lucky enough to drive one of the company's "Silver Shuttle" cabs.  Some might say - "What's so special about those, they look like all of the company's other death traps out there on the road."

Au contraire!

       Here at Cortez Cab, Catherine has the idea that people want to be pampered, to ride in style - in luxury if you will.  Well people, we have an answer!  We have our opulent Silver Shuttle cabs where you too can be treated like royalty.  I think it should be called "Sliver Shuttle" or "Tetanus Taxi". The rate is the same, but the drivers are required to wear a tie - which they seldom do.  The theory is that the cabs are much nicer.  All I want to know is if these are the company's fancy cabs, what would you expect from the standard ones.  Oh yeah, I'll be sure to wear a tie, as soon as I see my plumber come over wearing a tuxedo.

Boy, those rusty steel springs coming out the seat accentuate the moldy blue vinyl seats.

And the window, well, that's quite nice too.  I never though that I would come to appreciate an opaque window but it's quite nice really.  And if I want to roll it down I can just remove the pen that is wedging it into place and it can fall into the door.

This is lovely.  Along with a drug test the company should require a Tetanus shot.  I'm not quite sure what the chunk of foam is for.  Perhaps to soak up all the slime that has collected in the cup-holder.

Hex bolts, perfect!  Why use flimsy finely threaded screws when you can use sturdy, durable, rust-proof, galvanized hex bolts.  Ingenious!

Now we have the seats, with their rustic old world charm.  Aged to perfection.  It's a shame, they appear to be splitting at the side.  Surely there is a roll of duct tape, or the ubiquitous checkered tape that the office is so fond of.  I never realized how versatile it was.

 How cute, the carpeting on the floorboard has become so rotten and saturated with mystery fluids that has deteriorated to the point where the fiberglass floorboard has began to show through.

I often see this of cars that have been sitting in the desert sun for years.

More mystery stains on the seats.  In the rip on the side you could hide valuables right behind the exposed metal frame of the seat and grimy yellow foam.

January 21, 2009

January 21, 2009 – More of the Same

            There wasn’t all that much going on today.  It pretty much consisted of me talking to the other drivers and playing around on my computer.  They were griping about the business, as we all do.  We all complain, I’m just the only one that takes the time to write a blog about it.

            I took a little time out of my day to shade in the Ford emblem on my steering wheel with a Bic pen.  Then I drew a face, and a crudely drawn one at that, on the back of the passenger side headrest.  This was done with a Bic pen as well.  I’m exploring my creative side.

January 20, 2009

February 20, 2009 – Warning Ticket

          I was happy to finally be back in my own car, I had been driving the taxi for 8 hours.  The brakes aren’t squishy in my car and it takes a few pumps to adjust.  A I leave I shoot across 2nd street to get ahead of a few cars.  This seemed fine to me but a local officer disagreed.  She pulled me over and asked if I was drunk.  A number of times actually.  I think that the standard procedure is to ask the driver 3 times, maybe 4 – I’d really have to check.  That was pretty obnoxious, but she was nice otherwise and soon I was on my way.  Just a warning.

January 18, 2009

January 18, 2009 – Another Indecent Proposition From Robert Pervantes

          Today Robert Pervantes offered up yet another awkward encounter with one of our drivers.  When Kevin picked up Robert he was given an indecent proposition.  Robert would pay Kevin $1500 to hold his penis and take pictures of the two.  Or maybe Robert would be taking the pictures and holding his penis while he had Kevin watch.  I’m not exactly sure, I didn’t want to pry.

            I’m not sure, from a cab patrons point of view, what the best point in the ride to introduce this idea might be.  I would think a number of cab drivers might sock someone in the mouth for even suggesting as much.

            Also, I heard through the grapevine that Robert had propositioned another driver, Rico, a younger handsome Columbian man, just weeks earlier with a similar scenario.  No pictures though I don’t think.  I wonder if Robert would take them with his shitty little point and shoot camera.  The camera that he doesn’t know how to use.  The one that he took the pictures of his sisters boyfriend with, and shows me pictures.  It’s not bad enough I have to sit through this, but then Robert asks me questions like “do you think he likes me” or “do you think that this is a hot picture of me”.

            Jokingly, Kevin said that he had to turn down the offer, although after admitting that $1500 was a lot of money.

January 15, 2009

January 15, 2009 - More From Gomez

           Looks like Gomez Jr. has finally lost his mind.  This segment is called "How to make money brushing your teeth."

          The real question is how does Gomez plan to make money creating short films about implausible ideas, from a Tijuana gas station bathroom while wearing what appears to be a giant bear suit...?

January 14, 2009

January 14, 2009 - Owner Says "Fire all the Mexicans"

      When I came into the office today I was given quite a surprise.  It's no secret that Julie and the rest of the office workers have been becoming increasingly frustrated with the noise and playing on the radio but nothing prepared me for what I heard next.

      Since much of the noise on the radio comes from songs sung in Spanish, Catherine deduced that there could the true culprit MUST be Mexican.  What does Catherine plan to do about this?  She plans to "fire all the Mexicans and hire them back one by one until she finds out who is playing with the radio.

     I've always known that I was dealing with stupid people but this is simply astounding.

     Listen for yourself, the proofs in the pudding.

All of my cab video edits are on youtube.


January 11, 2009

January 11, 2009 – Sampson Strikes Again

Sampson got a call from another live one last night…

Sampson: Cortez Cab
Caller: I want a cab at the Marriot.
Sampson: Ok, It’ll be a bit, we don’t have many cabs working right now.
Caller: Fine.

            10 minutes later….

Sampson: Cortez Cab
Caller: Where’s my cab?
Sampson: Who is this?
Caller: I want a cab, I’m at the Marriot!
Sampson: It gets there when it gets there.

            5 minutes later…

Sampson: Cortez Cab.
Caller: I want my cab!
Sampson: Your fuckin’ cabs coming, Fuck you asshole.

Kudos to you my friend.  Kudos to you.

January 10, 2009

Shooting Photos

      Not too much to report today.  There is a train that we routinely get stuck behind.  Today Jefferson shot a picture of it as he was waiting at the signal.  Usually it takes about 10 minutes.

      Just a quick snapshot.  I like it.

January 9, 2009

January 9, 2009 – Sampson

            My favorite dispatcher is working tonight, Sampson is his name.  He is one of the night dispatchers who comes in and works from 10 p.m. to 6 a.m.  We like having Sampson here for a number of reasons.  He uses common sense, which is in short supply. Sampson lets us play on the radio and make noises and comments.  It gives us a chance to unwind after six straight hours of Julie’s screaming.  One thing in particular that I respect about Sampson is that he doesn’t put up with belligerent customers.

Two days ago Sampson sent me to the McDonalds on the Navy base.  This is hands down the slowest McDonalds that I have ever seen.  It takes roughly 10 minutes per order, which doesn’t sound like much, but imagine if you are in the drive through and there are 6 cars in front of you.  That’s an hour long wait. Every once in a while people actually run out of gas while waiting in line.  Once you’re in the line you are not able to exit until you have passed the drive through window.  It’s really terrible engineering.

I explained to my passenger that going through the drive thru is against base policy.    Anyways our conversation went something like this.

Sampson: Cab 54
Me: 54 go ahead.
Sampson: Can you go to the McDonalds on the Navy base?
Me: 10-4
Me: (As I arrive and pull up to the fare) Where are you off to?
Sailor: Were going through the drive through.
Me: I’m sorry, but I’m not allowed to do that.
Sailor: Why not?
Me: The base police told us that we are not allowed to drive through the drive through.
Sailor: Why not?
Me: I don’t know, they just told me that we aren’t allowed to do it.

None of this is true of course, but it is feasible.  There is a gas station on base and we are not allowed to get gas there, although it isn’t marked saying so.   I’m tired and I want to go home, this was going to be one last quick ride.  I think it’s actually pretty fucking rude to call a taxi from the other side of Cortez and subject him to this silly full vehicle inspection at the main gate just to take someone through the drive through.

The previous Navy Vehicle inspections were equally silly.  We just had to show our taxi permit and pop the trunk.  If someone tried to bring a bomb on base and it was sitting right on the floor of the trunk the guards would probably see it.  Back to my fare;

Sailor: So you don’t want to do it?
Me: It’s not that I don’t want to, it’s that the base police told us that we were forbidden to enter the drive through.
Sailor: So you don’t want to do it?
Me: Well I’m not going to do it and that’s that.
Sailor: I asked your dispatcher and she said you do.
Me: I doubt that, and there’s only one guy in the office right now, there are no women in there.
Sailor: Oh yeah, I’ll call her.
Me: Go right ahead.
Sailor: (Dials the office and gets Sampson on the phone) Yeah! My driver is here and he said that he doesn’t want to go to the drive through! 
(Sampson Speaking) Well, that’s up to the driver, I don’t have any control over whether he wants to do that or not.  If he says that he's not allowed to take you through McDonald's I guess thats up to him.
Sailor: I want to go through the McDonalds!
Me: We won’t be doing that.
Sailor: I’m serving your country! (Slamming the car door and stomping away.)

This guy’s lucky he’s not the one serving those burgers.  I don’t much care for any of that unselfish patriotic talk.  I think it's pretty disrespectful to the people that do serve.  Veterans.  Not those who just sit on the navy base, get drunk, and terrorize the town's residents.  This guy had every chance to get something to eat while he was in town.  So I call the dispatcher and ask him how he would like me to handle it.

Me: Well I’m definitely not going to bring this guy through the drive through.  Fuck him.
            Sampson: Yeah, fuck him. Tell him to get a fucking bike