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July 23, 2009

Rednecks

So it seems that nearly all of the traffic coming to my site is somehow related to "redneck" culture.  Therefore, I will make an attempt to post more stories about "Randy" the binge drinking, broke, chain smoking, overindulging, pervert.

As I tribute, I just thought I would display some pictures of Walmart shoppers.  Feast your eyes.


July 18, 2009

July 18, 2009 – Vinny’s Hand Me Down Porn

             Yesterday Vincent discretely handed me a large brown envelope.  He told me that his friend was playing a joke on him and sending porn to his house.  Vinny didn’t want it around the house.  I believe that he lives alone though, so I’m not sure what he was so worried about.  There was the usual overabundance of profanity that has become Vincent’s trademark, only this time it wasn’t directed at other drivers or their “motha’s.”

            I gave them a watch.  Seemed like pretty lowbrow stuff, although truthfully I wouldn’t know the difference.  Seemed like better stuff than Randy watches though.  Jefferson, Randy’s roommate, said that once every few days there would be a new stack of porn mags in the living room.  Like 40 a month!  He told me that Randy was just buying them at newsstand price.  Don’t those cost like $10 each?  That’s a few hundred dollars a month just in nudie mags.  Jefferson said that most of the mags came with videos, so consequently there were hundreds of them.  Jefferson fancies himself as porn aficionado of sorts.  He said they were crap.  Randy felt that porn, and booze, oh, and expensive seafood dinners were better investments than his share of rent money.


Vincent's Donation

            Jefferson also told me that a few months back Kevin tried to pawn his porn collection to him.  Jefferson politely declined as diplomatically as possible and explained that the donation was sub-par and beneath his standards.  Kevin was afraid that his girlfriend Rhonda, Linda’s sister, might find it.  I’ve seen Rhonda, and she’s in no position to complain.  After seeing Rhonda I can completely understand why Kevin thinks about fucking other girls.  Who could blame him?  Though in all fairness she’s a 10 compared to Linda who sleeps in her clothes, doesn’t brush her teeth, smells like a homeless man’s asscrack, and hasn’t had sex with a man in her 54 years on this Earth…  That makes me think of a great George Carlin quote:

 “I’ve never fucked a 10, but one night I fucked five 2’s – I think that counts.”

If that were the case, he would have to fuck 20 Lindas, and unlike having sex with a perfect 10, that would be nothing to write home about…

July 6, 2009

July 6, 2009 – Sonny of a Bitch

           About a week ago I had a minor fender bender in front of the main hotel.  There were a few taxi drivers parked in the vicinity but none of them seemed to notice – likely because years of driving a taxi have turned them into mindless drones.

            I was tired as I had worked through the previous night and the sun had come up.  It was about 10 a.m.  When you are attempting to work a double shift the fatigue often doesn’t hit you until the sun rises the next morning.  Perhaps the transition from night to day, or the transition to the morning drivers.  They’re absolutely awful.  Never in my life have I seen such a sad group of undignified, undomesticated, misfits.  Shameful.

            So back to the case at hand.  I was probably on my 16th hour or so and I glanced against this guy’s car as I was pulling to the curb.  Once I scraped against him he slammed on his horn.  Did he think that I didn’t realize that my car had collided with his?   The horn would have been best applied proactively.  More often than not the wailing of a car horn is doled out as more of a punitive measure than a preventative one.

            So we get out and he’s pissed.  Sonny was his name.  I wish that I could provide his full name, but alas, I cannot.  He really was a little bitch about the whole thing but I think after a few he came to realize that these things do happen and that it would just be best to exchange insurance information and keep in touch.  We agreed that this was a matter that could be best dealt with off of the books.  Out of sight, out of mind – no need to let Catherine know about things.

            There was only minor damage, just a little scuffed paint and a small scratch on the bumper.  I called him a few days later to follow up and try to arrange a time to get things fixed.  He did not return my call, but rather left me a call several days later demanding, more or less, to know when I would take care of his damages.  I addressed him politely, albeit sharply, and explained how I had attempted to resolve this earlier.  Then he tried to show me some $1,100.00 estimate that a mechanic had written up.  I explained that the figure was much too high and that I would not be willing to pay out such an outrageous sum for a bumper - a figure that a friend of his had likely come up with.

            Sure enough I was able to get an estimate for $240.00.  Then he complained that he had trouble getting rides to work and had to get a rental car and all.  I explained to Sonny that if we had decided to take the insurance company route that would have been possible.  In an attempt at appeasement I offered additional compensation to help him out.

            So today I went met up with Sonny at the scene and handed him an envelope with $300.00 and a contract stating that this would be the end of our discussions and that we had agreed that no further action would be taken.  He agreed but turned his nose up at the $300.00 and stated that he thought, “he would be compensated” for his troubles.  I explained that he had and I had paid out $60.00 above and beyond what his repairs had come to.

            Sonny was disappointed and in a desperation move he stated that his son was sick and in the hospital.  I explained that I was sorry to hear that and went on my way.  Really?  Trying to capitalize on your sick son (if this was in fact true).   How much more did he want?  Would an extra $50 dollars have been enough to carry him through his financial difficulties?  I think that I was pretty fucking nice about the whole thing.  After all, I could have just told him to get lost since there had been no police report, and that it was pretty much my word against his.  By now, chances are that I know the traffic court much better than him and I have days off.  If Sonny had decided to go that route there would be grey skies ahead.