April 14, 2008 – The Rim Turns?

           Heard a good one from a fellow driver the other day.  Bobby had brought the car into the shop yesterday to pay his lease, as many of the drivers do, when he bumped into Catherine.  Some small talk ensued.  I don’t like small talk – what’s the point?  It’s a little scripted for me, although admittedly, I can be a little brash – especially with that toilet mouth of mine.  I appreciate when people are direct, when they tell me what’s on their mind.  To a point that is.  Once years back when I worked at a gas station I ran into such a situation.

             Me: Hello

            Customer: Hi

Customer: Give me a pack of Pall Mall cigarettes. (Please would have been nice)

              These are simply DREADFUL by the way.  Especially the ones in the orange pack.  I don’t ever want to be so poor that I have to smoke Pall Mall cigarettes.

            Me: Sure thing.  How’s the day going?

Customer: Shitty.  Just found out my wife’s pregnant.  She’s banging some other guy.  Kid’s not even mine.

Me: Oh.  Sorry to hear that… That’ll be $4.17.

              Not a very smooth transition, I was caught a little off guard though…  I don’t know what surprised me more that he would volunteer such intimate details of his life to a gas station attendant of all people, or that he was married.  It was strange nonetheless.  He was awkwardly staring at me as if waiting for a rebuttal of sorts.  I admit, I was a little confused.  And so I digress…

            So back to the case at hand, with Bobby and Catherine.  There was a problem, a big one – in Catherine’s eyes at least.  A scuff on the rim.  Bobby explained how the car had grazed a curb as it was pulling off of the road.

            Catherine: But Bobby, I don’t understand.

            Bobby: Why?

Catherine: I don’t understand why there isn’t damage to the fender (that surrounds the wheelwell.)

Bobby: Because I bumped into a curb.  It was only like 6 inches tall so it didn’t make contact with the body of the car.  Just the rim.

Catherine: Bobby.  The scuff is all the way up here though.  How can there be a scuff this high up on the rim without any damage to the body of the car?

Bobby just stood there stunned.

Bobby: The rim turns Catherine.  It was at a different position when I bumped the curb.  When I drove the car here it just happened to stop at a different point.  (In this case the wheel had rotated 180 degrees.)

Catherine: No, that doesn’t make sense. There would be damage higher up as well.

              I mean this is pretty basic shit.  You don’t have to be a mechanic to know this, although the mechanics that she hires probably don’t.  I use the term “hire” loosely as well – not really sure what sort of arrangement she has going. 

Hasn’t Catherine ever watched the Price is Right.  You know the part, when they spin that big fucking wheel to see who is going to get into the “Showcase Showdown.”   Guess what, it spins on a big axle as well. 
 

            Catherine probably thinks when one of Bob’s (not to be confused with Bobby) contestants spins that big wheel that it stops on a dollar every time.  Maybe she thinks the wheel is stationary and it's the room that's spinning.  I wonder if she thinks that the Earth is flat…  I mean she believes in Jesus.  Don’t get me wrong, everyone has the right to believe in whatever they please – no matter how silly those beliefs may be.

What's with this?  And where did all the cougars go?  You should be ashamed of yourself CBS.  By the way your station sucks.  All you do is Create Bullshit Sitcoms.  I'd rather smash my finger with a hammer than watch "Everybody Loves Raymond" or "The King of Queens."  Shameful.

Looks like Bob's still holding it down though.  Never looked better Bob.

            I go in and pay my lease at night just so I don’t have to deal with shit like this.  It makes me dizzy talking to those people.  I just drop my money in the little black safe – which is a joke in itself, I’ve seen sturdier mailboxes.